If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
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About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
*weighs self after shaving
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?