The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
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me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr