a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
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Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*