The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
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3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*