BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
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it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail