And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
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Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.