me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
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“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
The little toadstool has spoken.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich