*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
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Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Storm Tropical Storm
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet