If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night