Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
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“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.