hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
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Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???