Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
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Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew