Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
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I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.