work smarter, not harder
You Might Also Like
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell