3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
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Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?