Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
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Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again