I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
You Might Also Like
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.