[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
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Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.