Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
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My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Oh, I bet you would be
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor