I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Wait a minute
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.