[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
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Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.