My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.