If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
“you changed” bro i was 15
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
When the stylist spins you back around
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda