When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Me trying to “trust the process”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I’m just playing devils avocado here
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace