“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
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Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
This is a true ally.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
two people or more is called a problem
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.