Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
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[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Practicing safe sax
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks