8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
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[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.