I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
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I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.