This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
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1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.