That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
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“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Me, in DM rooms…
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
What a website
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom: