When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
New menu item
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him