Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
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One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
You got this…
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?