I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
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{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
#NeverForget
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
(Musicians.)
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
mom gave me mine for free