Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought