when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
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Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
All is fair in drunk and war.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Mornin
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]