It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police