“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.