I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
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Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
🤣🤣
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Passwords are more important than ever.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Well, that didn’t work.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.