I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
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it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Bros before Ohioes
Stop making fast and furious movies.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good