Otters drive ottermobiles.
You Might Also Like
Her: What鈥檚 with the dozen donuts?
Me: They鈥檙e for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn鈥檛 it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour鈥檚 9 year old lad.
I鈥檝e had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I鈥檓 36 years old.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y鈥檃ll can fight it out over who i鈥檝e disappointed most urgently, i鈥檒l be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i鈥檓 gonna kill god.
I鈥檝e got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
GPS: left鈥攍eft again鈥攖ake another left鈥攗r gonna want to take this left鈥攕tay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Where’s my employee discount too?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes