My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger