Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
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my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?