If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
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WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.