I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!