Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
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[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
seems fine
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.