Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
You Might Also Like
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
SF is the wild wild west man
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation