My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
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I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Print is alive and well!!!
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.