*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
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Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.