*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
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My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?