Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
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*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…